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[ Long Time, No See ]
Long Post Incoming;
-- this was a thing I was going to post on Twitter, but after reaching over 2.5k in words, I just... can't really crosspost it, LoL.
So it's just... me doing my rambling thing... about just... the typical thing that I do? Pfft...
When I was first on the internet at home... starting at around 18-ish... The more involved I got, I eventually joined livejournal... there... I would try to do things for others. For holidays, birthdays - I tried to make gifts to put online. Drabbles, art, icons/avatars (pfps), etc.
Posting thank you appreciations, messaging people.
Super anxious and nervous of messaging people. Scared of bothering people. There was also the fear of being too annoying and also wishing people would contact me first...
I appeared to be online 24/7 regardless of my time being online, because I was responding super quickly to people's posts or what-not.
If I was super upset, I could step away... walk outside and stare into the night or cry in the rain... Very "emo", but very true...
I could tell people I was "fine" or "okay", because that was the norm for me. At the time, I had no idea there was anything abnormal about how I felt. At least not that big to make a big deal about it - even though I had suspected my depression. But people I know "had it worse", so who was I to complain.
A brief BTS mention - when I see Jimin going to the others and giving them hugs? Yoongi listening to one of them mumbling while no one is listening and acknowledging them? Hobi responding IMMEDIATELY to other members or sharing things about them? Things like that were things I would do - digitally/online.
In person, I wanted to hug, but was mostly nervous about it - though I did get lucky enough to have a fair share of hugs. Usually in greetings or goodbyes, though.
Often times it was hard for me to know how to properly react to non!happy things in person.
A friend of mine was crying once, and all I could do was pet her hair. I wanted to jump down and hug her, but I didn't know how to approach her with that. So I pet her hair.
Another friend was super sick and upset, and I wanted to rub her back. I don't do well with vomiting, though, so I also felt useless, on top of her not wanting it to be seen/shown. But the yearning to hug and rub her back was strong.
At some point, I started getting overwhelmed. As an empathetic person with no control, severe depression, severe anxiety, and two types of PTSD (that I didn't know about any of these at the time), I had such a hard time dealing and sometimes taking bad scenarios even worse than the ones experiencing it.
I'd slip up and say things that would trigger people, despite my best attempt not to.
At one point, an incident happened where I had talked to someone … and I was the last one when they went missing… It was pre 2005.
I had one of my first panic attacks during that time. My first one, though, had been a few years prior thanks to my dad over something that was seemingly minor, but had broke me I guess.
But, when this friend went MIA, she returned and explained her reasoning.
Throughout that time, after that, other things happened with those that were connected in a circle I had, or outside of it – but rarely outside for a long time.
None of this, outside of my first panic/anxiety attack, is including pre-graduation.
When I moved from Texas to Maryland, there was another shift.
Contact was harder. I was without internet for 2.5 months – or rather very little, borrowed internet from my then-cousin.
Internet things shifted. Amazing what that short period of time can do to a person’s schedule and interactions.
I still tried to do my best.
I had trouble with the phone – super anxiety… I still had some exceptions… though those were still difficult. I was USUALLY okay DURING the phone call – if not anxiously awaiting things. But before and after were k!ller.
Things had shifted a bit switching from AIM to MSN chat… The robbery also hit a new thing of things, which I struggled for a year before snapping a bit, then once again burying it and not realizing the long-term damage that did.
In the early 2010’s, other things happened with another person. Their father was incredibly ill. Their work and schooling were trouble. At some point even losing their first job.
They weren’t the first to experience this – I’d been being chipped away prior.
Yet, I always felt guilty about that. How dare I get so upset? They’re the ones suffering!
I didn’t know what empathy was at the time – by definition, that is. I also had no idea what I was mentally and physically dealing with.
In 2014/2015 more things happened with that same friend with their father, except it was with their mother.
None of this includes other scenarios of a friend with their manic parent that was abusive, another with their abusive brother, another with their abusive father, and another yet with their abusive mother.
Everywhere I turned there was abuse. And so much worse, in my head, then I had ever dealt with… So I felt more upset that I was upset.
I wanted to take their pain away.
I prayed nightly, “Give me their pain instead of having them deal with it.”
I could handle it, because I WAS.
I could hide things up to a point.
I DID hide them up to a point.
Plenty of unmentioned things happened here.
In 2009, my cat (Nightwish) passed away. Barely 4 years old. A year of that “missing” as she had to stay with my aunt and I could only see her for certain times throughout the days. Limited and uncomfortable – though at least Nightwish had Majic.
When Nightwish passed away, though, I was also dealing with a discomfort of my mom being with this man that I felt was abusive to her on some level – never mind other things (eventually turned out that we needed to put a restraining order on him level.)
Every time I tried to put myself together, I continued to lose parts of myself. The way I kept in touch with others. The way I used my creativity. My sleeping hours. My ignoring my depression.
All of it.
Losing more and more of myself…
In 2013, on my birthday, I found out my dad had cancer and was in the hospital. I had tried so hard to prep for my birthday for self-care. I soaked in a tub of bubbles, pampered myself more than ever. I swore I was going to have a good night. The person I would speak to would surely help me have a great start to my birthday!
I was wrong as my brother let me know about my dad. I was wrong as that friend – well, I still talk to this person and I don’t wish to hint further on that, but that night wasn’t about me as I struggled with the news about my dad.
In June of 2014, I went to my first therapy session after seeing my first personal care doctor and … well… by August 2015 (?) I had found out I had PTSD, agoraphobia, depression, and anxiety.
But that’s only because by the end of 2013, I was nearly broken. I couldn’t be there for my friends. For about a year or two (I forget) I spent 2-3 weeks every month suffering physically. I couldn’t keep food in me, I couldn’t stop shaking and crying and sobbing, I wanted to do terrible things to myself to make it stop. I wanted to live, but. Things were breaking me. I was literally falling apart and breaking.
My mom and I – and I think my youngest sister? – finally jumped on the Obama Care situation.
My brother told me that he would pay for the first session for me to get doctors help if needed.
In 2014, I saw the doctor for the first time.
I was going to tell my dad how I was going to get better! Reconnect with him after… so many bad things! I was going to try to have a relationship with him! (We… didn’t get along.)
On May 27th, 2014… a little over a month after his birthday… he passed away…
I had only seen my therapist once. And…
I woke up worrying about a friend who had… tried to end their life a week prior. I had been so worried, so I opened up my N3DS and checked on them… hoping they were recovering.
What I got was, “Sorry about your dad” and things on Facebook.
That’s how I found out my dad had passed.
My youngest sister and my mom and I … I took it the hardest of the three of us, with very VERY good reasons that I won’t get into right now/here.
I dealt with it alone that night. Not fully by choice as someone had… thought I wouldn’t be around (understandably) so they… were mourning and so I dealt with it alone that night…
It continued.
In late 2015, one of the earlier mentioned found that their mother had cancer and needed chemo.
I had already started losing my mind and like a boiling pot starting to boil over, I lost it further.
I hadn’t regained after Nightwish fully – my sleeping schedule getting worse, I started missing TV shows that my mom and I would watch with two of my siblings – or at least one of my siblings if the other wasn’t interested…
I was further distant.
But, I tried not to be.
Shortly after the persons mother (yes, all of these are remaining nameless for a reason), I found out another friends partner was now dealing with cancer.
They weren’t the only – that’s a cruel, evil thing that does terrible, TERRIBLE things and shouldn’t even exist.
F cancer, really.
Every breaking point I hit after Nightwish passed…
It was shortly before that… which is when I really started cracking… Things were always a mess thanks to an abusive alcoholic dad, but…
Our move up here had a lot of “triggering” moments that set off of a domino effect that was already on its way down.
I’d say a year or so before Nightwish passed is when things just… kept spiraling as I just lost more control. More abilities to be there for friends. For loved ones. For strangers.
For anyone.
2012-2013 is when it finally, I believe, made it a permanent thing of loss.
No matter what ups there were that I started to recover, it’d go back down.
2016 hit another wave of non-recovery.
My last visit to Texas was the final straw of downfalls.
My return home… and while there are great fantastic memories between then and now, it feels like a recovery-that-has-never happened.
2017-2018 a blur of things I tried to do. Trying to do commissions. Having so many pros! But so many negative associations with that, that I’d feel physically ill at the mentions of it. My arms and wrists started suffering as I drew to the point that I was making probably 1/3 or less of what minimum wage per hour was due to how long some things took. Never mind some of the ones not having references and wanting constant changes because they changed their minds… Never mind some conflict with certain … individuals that I still talk to (some very much so, some very rarely so) that leaves this taste in my mouth to this day that I’ve never really discussed fully with… anyone, really.
A lot of denial, too.
2019, the year of constant disability rejection and the year of Mynx passing suddenly.
Nothing has been “the same” sense.
A rush of downhill spirals, lifted up in moments.
Lifted up through some interests and passions that would distract me! That I’d cling to!
But oh how many I’d be “left alone” with.
Between my age or my interests, it can make things hard.
Who wants to interact with someone my age that doesn’t follow certain “expectations” of either the world or particular countries?
With someone that suffers from such severe poor mental health that people had to step away – and I respect the ones that told me! I respect they let me know. Much kinder to let me know how they did versus just…
They let me know for their health. Something I will forever respect.
But through all of this, as days and weeks turn into months and years as I lose touch and things sink… are how I lose this touch with others…
So many things I miss.
But I can’t keep touch the way I used to.
I can’t… keep up with old friends, I feel guilty to even make or try to make new friends on top of it.
Social Media and Online Methods have shifted since the way this whole “story” began. The communication is so drastically different.
I’ve also no patience for the dog-pilling and bullying and this “I’m your close friend! -- But I will abandon you the moment you do some non-offensive thing I dislike!” and it’s for things that are tastes and preferences or lies and rumours… And it’s just… non-insulting things that people will abandon each other for…
I always had “hope for others, but pessimism for myself”.
I barely can cling to words like “hope” when I’m involved.
There are so many phrases and words and THINGS that people can say to these things. Things that are either eye-rolling but meaningful, or things that just Don’t Work for me.
They just make me feel worse.
Not all of them, mind you, haha.
But it just goes on…
So what brought this on?
Funnily enough, a mention on Twitter about Hobi being there for the other BTS members. The way he would behave.
And my brain went through this – this whole spiel that I’ve thought in my head time and time again for years.
Things to elaborate on.
Branch out upon.
Things that as I gain things I thought I lost (for example, something that watching MMD videos would spark in me… or when I was finally an ARMY for BTS…), things forming back and molding in me that I thought I’d never see again…
But then there’s still so much…
And how to reconnect with friends I’ve had forever of this expanse of time as if nothing has happened? How to make new friends with all of this “baggage” people will call it dismissively?
How to get to know OTHERS when I still can’t handle or hold the weight of my own issues?
Instead crumbling, shaking (literally!), and just barely holding on…
-- to think, this was originally going to be a thread on Twitter, but it’s so long… who would read a thread like this on there? LoL
I lose so many things.
And there are so many things I could say to others in this that would work for them.
Yet… I’ve yet to find the thing(s) that works for me…
…doesn’t help that my room – my immediate environment – doesn’t help my mental state due to the messiness. I really do need at least one bookshelf in here, if not also storage stuff.
But how?
LoL
Oh well.
But yeah… I see people say how “I need a [BTS member] in my life!” and I think about how I used to be like that. Not even a “pat myself on the back”, but so I was told.
Outside of the countless misunderstandings (My life is literally the “I like waffles” and people will turn around, “Why do you hate rainy days?!” and I’m just… … )…there were still these treasured memories I have…
Forever Treasured, even in my mess that is my brain.
PS. IDK if this link will last long, since Twitter is going down the drain thanks to the garbage that Elon is creating, but – it finally set me to make this post because: https://twitter.com/BTStranslation_/status/1629775743738847233
-- this was a thing I was going to post on Twitter, but after reaching over 2.5k in words, I just... can't really crosspost it, LoL.
So it's just... me doing my rambling thing... about just... the typical thing that I do? Pfft...
When I was first on the internet at home... starting at around 18-ish... The more involved I got, I eventually joined livejournal... there... I would try to do things for others. For holidays, birthdays - I tried to make gifts to put online. Drabbles, art, icons/avatars (pfps), etc.
Posting thank you appreciations, messaging people.
Super anxious and nervous of messaging people. Scared of bothering people. There was also the fear of being too annoying and also wishing people would contact me first...
I appeared to be online 24/7 regardless of my time being online, because I was responding super quickly to people's posts or what-not.
If I was super upset, I could step away... walk outside and stare into the night or cry in the rain... Very "emo", but very true...
I could tell people I was "fine" or "okay", because that was the norm for me. At the time, I had no idea there was anything abnormal about how I felt. At least not that big to make a big deal about it - even though I had suspected my depression. But people I know "had it worse", so who was I to complain.
A brief BTS mention - when I see Jimin going to the others and giving them hugs? Yoongi listening to one of them mumbling while no one is listening and acknowledging them? Hobi responding IMMEDIATELY to other members or sharing things about them? Things like that were things I would do - digitally/online.
In person, I wanted to hug, but was mostly nervous about it - though I did get lucky enough to have a fair share of hugs. Usually in greetings or goodbyes, though.
Often times it was hard for me to know how to properly react to non!happy things in person.
A friend of mine was crying once, and all I could do was pet her hair. I wanted to jump down and hug her, but I didn't know how to approach her with that. So I pet her hair.
Another friend was super sick and upset, and I wanted to rub her back. I don't do well with vomiting, though, so I also felt useless, on top of her not wanting it to be seen/shown. But the yearning to hug and rub her back was strong.
At some point, I started getting overwhelmed. As an empathetic person with no control, severe depression, severe anxiety, and two types of PTSD (that I didn't know about any of these at the time), I had such a hard time dealing and sometimes taking bad scenarios even worse than the ones experiencing it.
I'd slip up and say things that would trigger people, despite my best attempt not to.
At one point, an incident happened where I had talked to someone … and I was the last one when they went missing… It was pre 2005.
I had one of my first panic attacks during that time. My first one, though, had been a few years prior thanks to my dad over something that was seemingly minor, but had broke me I guess.
But, when this friend went MIA, she returned and explained her reasoning.
Throughout that time, after that, other things happened with those that were connected in a circle I had, or outside of it – but rarely outside for a long time.
None of this, outside of my first panic/anxiety attack, is including pre-graduation.
When I moved from Texas to Maryland, there was another shift.
Contact was harder. I was without internet for 2.5 months – or rather very little, borrowed internet from my then-cousin.
Internet things shifted. Amazing what that short period of time can do to a person’s schedule and interactions.
I still tried to do my best.
I had trouble with the phone – super anxiety… I still had some exceptions… though those were still difficult. I was USUALLY okay DURING the phone call – if not anxiously awaiting things. But before and after were k!ller.
Things had shifted a bit switching from AIM to MSN chat… The robbery also hit a new thing of things, which I struggled for a year before snapping a bit, then once again burying it and not realizing the long-term damage that did.
In the early 2010’s, other things happened with another person. Their father was incredibly ill. Their work and schooling were trouble. At some point even losing their first job.
They weren’t the first to experience this – I’d been being chipped away prior.
Yet, I always felt guilty about that. How dare I get so upset? They’re the ones suffering!
I didn’t know what empathy was at the time – by definition, that is. I also had no idea what I was mentally and physically dealing with.
In 2014/2015 more things happened with that same friend with their father, except it was with their mother.
None of this includes other scenarios of a friend with their manic parent that was abusive, another with their abusive brother, another with their abusive father, and another yet with their abusive mother.
Everywhere I turned there was abuse. And so much worse, in my head, then I had ever dealt with… So I felt more upset that I was upset.
I wanted to take their pain away.
I prayed nightly, “Give me their pain instead of having them deal with it.”
I could handle it, because I WAS.
I could hide things up to a point.
I DID hide them up to a point.
Plenty of unmentioned things happened here.
In 2009, my cat (Nightwish) passed away. Barely 4 years old. A year of that “missing” as she had to stay with my aunt and I could only see her for certain times throughout the days. Limited and uncomfortable – though at least Nightwish had Majic.
When Nightwish passed away, though, I was also dealing with a discomfort of my mom being with this man that I felt was abusive to her on some level – never mind other things (eventually turned out that we needed to put a restraining order on him level.)
Every time I tried to put myself together, I continued to lose parts of myself. The way I kept in touch with others. The way I used my creativity. My sleeping hours. My ignoring my depression.
All of it.
Losing more and more of myself…
In 2013, on my birthday, I found out my dad had cancer and was in the hospital. I had tried so hard to prep for my birthday for self-care. I soaked in a tub of bubbles, pampered myself more than ever. I swore I was going to have a good night. The person I would speak to would surely help me have a great start to my birthday!
I was wrong as my brother let me know about my dad. I was wrong as that friend – well, I still talk to this person and I don’t wish to hint further on that, but that night wasn’t about me as I struggled with the news about my dad.
In June of 2014, I went to my first therapy session after seeing my first personal care doctor and … well… by August 2015 (?) I had found out I had PTSD, agoraphobia, depression, and anxiety.
But that’s only because by the end of 2013, I was nearly broken. I couldn’t be there for my friends. For about a year or two (I forget) I spent 2-3 weeks every month suffering physically. I couldn’t keep food in me, I couldn’t stop shaking and crying and sobbing, I wanted to do terrible things to myself to make it stop. I wanted to live, but. Things were breaking me. I was literally falling apart and breaking.
My mom and I – and I think my youngest sister? – finally jumped on the Obama Care situation.
My brother told me that he would pay for the first session for me to get doctors help if needed.
In 2014, I saw the doctor for the first time.
I was going to tell my dad how I was going to get better! Reconnect with him after… so many bad things! I was going to try to have a relationship with him! (We… didn’t get along.)
On May 27th, 2014… a little over a month after his birthday… he passed away…
I had only seen my therapist once. And…
I woke up worrying about a friend who had… tried to end their life a week prior. I had been so worried, so I opened up my N3DS and checked on them… hoping they were recovering.
What I got was, “Sorry about your dad” and things on Facebook.
That’s how I found out my dad had passed.
My youngest sister and my mom and I … I took it the hardest of the three of us, with very VERY good reasons that I won’t get into right now/here.
I dealt with it alone that night. Not fully by choice as someone had… thought I wouldn’t be around (understandably) so they… were mourning and so I dealt with it alone that night…
It continued.
In late 2015, one of the earlier mentioned found that their mother had cancer and needed chemo.
I had already started losing my mind and like a boiling pot starting to boil over, I lost it further.
I hadn’t regained after Nightwish fully – my sleeping schedule getting worse, I started missing TV shows that my mom and I would watch with two of my siblings – or at least one of my siblings if the other wasn’t interested…
I was further distant.
But, I tried not to be.
Shortly after the persons mother (yes, all of these are remaining nameless for a reason), I found out another friends partner was now dealing with cancer.
They weren’t the only – that’s a cruel, evil thing that does terrible, TERRIBLE things and shouldn’t even exist.
F cancer, really.
Every breaking point I hit after Nightwish passed…
It was shortly before that… which is when I really started cracking… Things were always a mess thanks to an abusive alcoholic dad, but…
Our move up here had a lot of “triggering” moments that set off of a domino effect that was already on its way down.
I’d say a year or so before Nightwish passed is when things just… kept spiraling as I just lost more control. More abilities to be there for friends. For loved ones. For strangers.
For anyone.
2012-2013 is when it finally, I believe, made it a permanent thing of loss.
No matter what ups there were that I started to recover, it’d go back down.
2016 hit another wave of non-recovery.
My last visit to Texas was the final straw of downfalls.
My return home… and while there are great fantastic memories between then and now, it feels like a recovery-that-has-never happened.
2017-2018 a blur of things I tried to do. Trying to do commissions. Having so many pros! But so many negative associations with that, that I’d feel physically ill at the mentions of it. My arms and wrists started suffering as I drew to the point that I was making probably 1/3 or less of what minimum wage per hour was due to how long some things took. Never mind some of the ones not having references and wanting constant changes because they changed their minds… Never mind some conflict with certain … individuals that I still talk to (some very much so, some very rarely so) that leaves this taste in my mouth to this day that I’ve never really discussed fully with… anyone, really.
A lot of denial, too.
2019, the year of constant disability rejection and the year of Mynx passing suddenly.
Nothing has been “the same” sense.
A rush of downhill spirals, lifted up in moments.
Lifted up through some interests and passions that would distract me! That I’d cling to!
But oh how many I’d be “left alone” with.
Between my age or my interests, it can make things hard.
Who wants to interact with someone my age that doesn’t follow certain “expectations” of either the world or particular countries?
With someone that suffers from such severe poor mental health that people had to step away – and I respect the ones that told me! I respect they let me know. Much kinder to let me know how they did versus just…
They let me know for their health. Something I will forever respect.
But through all of this, as days and weeks turn into months and years as I lose touch and things sink… are how I lose this touch with others…
So many things I miss.
But I can’t keep touch the way I used to.
I can’t… keep up with old friends, I feel guilty to even make or try to make new friends on top of it.
Social Media and Online Methods have shifted since the way this whole “story” began. The communication is so drastically different.
I’ve also no patience for the dog-pilling and bullying and this “I’m your close friend! -- But I will abandon you the moment you do some non-offensive thing I dislike!” and it’s for things that are tastes and preferences or lies and rumours… And it’s just… non-insulting things that people will abandon each other for…
I always had “hope for others, but pessimism for myself”.
I barely can cling to words like “hope” when I’m involved.
There are so many phrases and words and THINGS that people can say to these things. Things that are either eye-rolling but meaningful, or things that just Don’t Work for me.
They just make me feel worse.
Not all of them, mind you, haha.
But it just goes on…
So what brought this on?
Funnily enough, a mention on Twitter about Hobi being there for the other BTS members. The way he would behave.
And my brain went through this – this whole spiel that I’ve thought in my head time and time again for years.
Things to elaborate on.
Branch out upon.
Things that as I gain things I thought I lost (for example, something that watching MMD videos would spark in me… or when I was finally an ARMY for BTS…), things forming back and molding in me that I thought I’d never see again…
But then there’s still so much…
And how to reconnect with friends I’ve had forever of this expanse of time as if nothing has happened? How to make new friends with all of this “baggage” people will call it dismissively?
How to get to know OTHERS when I still can’t handle or hold the weight of my own issues?
Instead crumbling, shaking (literally!), and just barely holding on…
-- to think, this was originally going to be a thread on Twitter, but it’s so long… who would read a thread like this on there? LoL
I lose so many things.
And there are so many things I could say to others in this that would work for them.
Yet… I’ve yet to find the thing(s) that works for me…
…doesn’t help that my room – my immediate environment – doesn’t help my mental state due to the messiness. I really do need at least one bookshelf in here, if not also storage stuff.
But how?
LoL
Oh well.
But yeah… I see people say how “I need a [BTS member] in my life!” and I think about how I used to be like that. Not even a “pat myself on the back”, but so I was told.
Outside of the countless misunderstandings (My life is literally the “I like waffles” and people will turn around, “Why do you hate rainy days?!” and I’m just… … )…there were still these treasured memories I have…
Forever Treasured, even in my mess that is my brain.
PS. IDK if this link will last long, since Twitter is going down the drain thanks to the garbage that Elon is creating, but – it finally set me to make this post because: https://twitter.com/BTStranslation_/status/1629775743738847233